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AngryReb

Hypothetical time.

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Posts: 3540

May 5, 2008 9:30 AM

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If you suddenly came into a chunk of change (not life-changing, but five figures or so), what would you invest in to see a relatively quick return?

And, no, Peruvian cocaine mules, hookers, sports gambling, etc are NOT valid responses, you jackasses.

Edited to add: I know next to nothing about the stock market, mutual funds, etc. since I've never had money to invest. The transition from college student to lowly Proletariat-serf does not present a young man with much incentive to follow the stock market.

-----------------

"Someone with midget expertise might know. I've met several in person and don't trust them. My biggest fear is to be driving home from work and one of those bastards pop up from the back seat and start biting me or just anything. I die from a heart attack as soon as I see him. Most of them are very angry." - ScaldedbanditReb

Last Edited By: AngryReb May 5, 2008 9:38 AM. Edited 1 time.

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maxfisher

5.25% checking at M&F

#21

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Posts: 61

May 5, 2008 11:08 AM

I have the same predicament. I have been reading for months, and am really afraid of the market right now.

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Reb92

#22

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Posts: 445

May 5, 2008 11:10 AM

Go buy some Proctor & Gamble and Bank of America stock - You will get a nice return in 3 years and will not be assuming too much risk.

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RounderReb

#23

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Posts: 54

May 5, 2008 11:14 AM

BhamReb wrote:
50% of mutual funds are above average.

It's not hard to find the well managed funds. By your statistics, if I see a list of 100 mutual funds, I should easily be able to see the 15 that are outperforming their benchmark. Then I choose say 4 of those. Pete Boone couldn't fuck it up.

[before you hit reply, that was a stupid lead off joke, yes]

Let's not get ahead of ourselves......

"It was probably the same guy writing about how cool it was to be gay a few days ago. Atleast we don't have to worry about him reproducing."- winetown from the OMSB talking about a DM Columnist

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Udon Givafux

I would put it all in an IPO- here is one to consider: Local Virgin Considering IPO of Vagina

#24

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Posts: 429

May 5, 2008 11:29 AM

Local Virgin Considering IPO of Vagina

Parrish appraises investors looking to sink "a sizeable sum" into her vagina. - photo by Tom Worger

Kevin Damp

Staff Writer

Sources close to Leslie Parrish reported Monday that the La Jolla High School senior is seriously considering an initial public offering of her vagina. News of the possible IPO was met with a swelling of investor interest. Local market expert and fellow student Teresa Pratt stated, "If these rumors turn out to be true, this could be the biggest IPO since Patty Isler gave it up to Bryan Jenkins in the back of his Pathfinder after homecoming last year."

Analysts have questioned why a renowned virgin would choose to enter the market at this time. Many are quick to point out that Parrish has had ample opportunity to do so in the past. Ever since she experienced substantial growth a number of years ago in key sectors such as her hips and breasts, Parrish has been in high demand throughout the school. However, time and time again, potential investors were turned away. Danny Brandenburg, her second boyfriend, commented, "That prude's assets were totally frozen. I couldn't lay a finger on them."

In response to these questions, Parrish released a statement today which read: "After years of diminishing returns on my virginity savings, I have come to the conclusion that I am in desperate need of an injection of investment capital. It is clear to me now that I must enter the market in order to maximize the utility of my vagina."

Economist Patrick Kline predicted that Parrish will encounter great success in the market: "There are those who would argue that in a market with billions of possible suppliers, there is no way for one girl to compete. However, in this particular market, demand is nearly infinite, and therefore outstrips supply by far." Kline added, "Plus, being a virgin, she has to have amazing elasticity of supply."

Damien Hasely, a market forecaster for Prudential Financial, has predicted that the IPO may take place as soon as Parrish consumes her seventh Smirnoff Ice at Carlos Espinoza's house party this Saturday night. And while it is not yet clear which of the potential investors will be selected, Hasely is certain that Parrish "will be waxed, and then appropriately taxed according to her income bracket."

NEWS
IN BRIEF

Eight U.S. Soldiers Die in Insurgent Attack; Ruin Katie Holmes' Baby Shower

On the same day that Tom Cruise's fiancé Katie Holmes celebrated her recent pregnancy in North Beverly Hills, eight U.S. soldiers were killed in the Anbar province of Iraq.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld expressed his sympathy to the families of the soldiers and Ms. Holmes late last night in a press conference.

"We apologize to Ms. Holmes that this had to happen on her special day," said Rumsfeld. "This is truly a tragedy."

Holmes also conveyed her genuine sorrow. "I'm just totally devastated that these soldiers were killed today. It's just absolutely horrible timing."

When asked about her upcoming wedding, Holmes answered, "We haven't set a date yet, but we're working very hard to make sure that this doesn't conflict with future suicide bombings or insurgent violence."

Top Ten

Advantages to Seeing Several Seconds Into the Future

Preemptive toast retrieval
Fake connection with hot lab partner by finishing her sentences
Premature-premature ejaculation
Know when you're going to die a few seconds prior to it happening
Eliminate need for test fart
Ability to consistently ruin movies for anyone sitting next to you
Will expect the Spanish Inquisition
Can see yourself seeing into the future, die of aneurism
Can say "bless you" to people exactly as they sneeze
Dibs

http://www.themq.com/index.php?articles_id=332&issue=122

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jackstefano

not to be contrary

#25

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Posts: 1062

May 5, 2008 11:46 AM

Registered Member

but turning 25k into 30k over three years is a breeze. if you can't do that, you need to take a hard look at your investments because they're underperforming. i'm no financial wiz, and i invest relatively conservatively, and have returned 10 to 35% per year (the 35% was in 2003, when the indexes were pretty much all up about that much on average. most years i'll get between 10 and 15%). even a decent fund will get you 7% a year, which would yield the 30k on a 25k investment.

"Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't really care if a dog shits in my yard." RebelBruiser

"If I die or go to jail, it's not a big blow to MSU athletics." Todd4State

Last Edited By: jackstefano May 5, 2008 11:53 AM. Edited 1 time.

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Head of the Turtle

Under Armour stock

#26

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Posts: 365

May 5, 2008 11:51 AM

Registered Member

it's down to 33.85 and will go back up to the 70's again soon.

And if not Under Armour, check into Columbian Cocaine Mules.....Columbian not Peruvian.

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uscreb

We have a few of Fidelity's investment instruments that have been staying ahead of the curve,

#27

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Posts: 2764

May 5, 2008 12:09 PM

they have enough diversification that we have not been completely freaked when the market veers unexpectedly, but they are focused enough that they take advantage of gains in different sectors. One is a sort of traditional General Electric, Kelloggs, Proctor and Gamble Fund, while another is heavier on energy, and another leverages Tech companies. On a given day, we could make more by doing straight stock trades, but I have neither the energy nor the know how to piddle in the stock market. I have a friend who has essentially gambled away his life savings as a day trader.

"Walking will replace drinking, when preaching replaces fucking."
------Not Halpert.

Boo

Hoo

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someonestolemyusernamedamnit

Hmmm. When did their stock drop and when did Walker start his new job?

#28

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Posts: 4193

May 5, 2008 12:50 PM

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Thanks, Dwayne.

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Dan Tannah

If you don't own a house, I would buy one

#29

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Posts: 1740

May 5, 2008 12:57 PM

Registered Member

Now is the best time. Depending on where you live, and where you buy, this would be your best investment. Investor fright has alot of people stuck in savings, MM, CD's etc. And the stock market has actually been phenomenal in the last several months. When the public goes right, make a hard left.

Everyone is one the sidelines until the election it seems so if you want to invest in the market, jump on in a mutual fund. But I would put it in real estate.

My qualifications and experience include losing money in every type investment vehicle known to man, except real estate.

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Ad Wizard

#30

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Posts: 40

May 5, 2008 1:01 PM

THC (that's Tenet Healthcare)

I see 20 per share within 4 years. Buy 1,000 sell half when it doubles.

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juha luhtanen

He wouldn't

#31

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Posts: 390

May 5, 2008 1:10 PM

Registered Member

buy his own stock, at this point. Buffett and good investors shoot for a 15 percent return a year in stocks they own, which beats the market. If you have the time and some knowledge, that is definitely possible, hell, I'm up 20 percent in five weeks. And yes, taking the money off the table.... for now. If you pay attention, you won't take a big loss - it is a whole lot easier for the individual investor to take multi-thousands out of a stock, than it is for a large investment company to take out their multi-millions.

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OleTex98

A 10% return would be satisfying....

#32

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Posts: 961

May 5, 2008 1:19 PM

Registered Member

Warren Buffet just said that you should be very happy with a 10% return in the current market.

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OleTex98

The best buy on real estate is still a year away if you ask me....

#33

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Posts: 962

May 5, 2008 1:21 PM

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I don't think the market has finished falling there by any means.

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1984Dawg

#34

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Posts: 23

May 5, 2008 1:22 PM

Buy some stocks. It's kind of entertaining to keep up with.... especially if you did like i did and jumped in the market and bought apple at 121 in February. If you're lazy just get an index fund.

In fact, Apple might still be a good buy with the 3G Iphone looming.

Last Edited By: 1984Dawg May 5, 2008 3:07 PM. Edited 1 time.

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juha luhtanen

DO NOT

#35

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Posts: 391

May 5, 2008 2:48 PM

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do this. Dude, you must own the company, or something. Don't know what figures you are looking at, but it looks like a sinking ship, from my perspective.

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CFOEagle

You are correct, sir...

#36

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Posts: 21

May 5, 2008 2:59 PM

Registered Member

...in my opinion of course. But I do work in healthcare, and I don't see any healthcare providers making any big time returns in the foreseeable future. Too much government regulation.

Then again, crazier things have happened, I've given up trying to predict.

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jacksonreb1

if someone could promise me 10%

#37

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Posts: 10

May 5, 2008 3:17 PM

annually forever, i'd take it in a heartbeat. that's a very good return yr in and yr out. and IMO the risk involved in something that might deliver 25%/yr (especially right now) is MUCH greater than maybe losing 25%. a deal like that involves risking the whole enchilata, IMO>

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jackstefano

do you work for tenet?

#38

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Posts: 1064

May 5, 2008 3:20 PM

Registered Member

the analysts say it's underweight. i wouldn't recommend someone dropping a bunch of money in it unless you know something everyone else doesn't.

"Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't really care if a dog shits in my yard." RebelBruiser

"If I die or go to jail, it's not a big blow to MSU athletics." Todd4State

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deetuner

#39

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Posts: 166

May 5, 2008 4:23 PM

I would go with ETF's myself given the current market condition. I got into ETF's and international funds mid last year and had some really good returns. I lost most of that in early Jan due to the international funds going wacky. I kept with the ETF's and have had pretty good results over the past 3 months. I am no financial guy, but that is something to look into instead of the straight Mutual Funds or Stocks. You can diversify with one product.

I also have been buying small blocks of SIRI (sirius) in the past few months. But I don't have the guts to put big money in it. Just for fun.

Edit to add: I am not sure if there are minimums with ETFs, but it is worth looking into.

Last Edited By: deetuner May 5, 2008 4:26 PM. Edited 1 time.

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Ad Wizard

#40

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Posts: 41

May 5, 2008 4:48 PM

I do not work for Tenet. I do not own shares of THC. I've been following it since 3-4 a share. My father who owns a healthcare consulting firm sent me this at about $4.50 per share.

Tenet Healthcare Corp., Dallas, reported growth in admissions for the first time in nearly four years in the fourth quarter, as the company sharply narrowed its losses compared with 2006, both for the full year and its fourth quarter, ended Dec. 31, 2007.

Tenet recorded a loss of $75 million for the quarter, compared with a loss of $386 million in 2006's fourth quarter. Revenue increased 6.4% to $2.25 billion. For the fiscal year, Tenet reported a loss of $89 million, compared with a loss of $803 million in 2006. Revenue increased 4.7% to $8.85 billion.

The company said admissions increased by 0.1% and adjusted admissions by 1.4%, respectively, comparing the fourth quarters of 2007 and 2006. The volume gains were spread across the company's 54 core hospitals, with the exception of three Texas facilities hit by local market conditions, said Stephen Newman, Tenet's chief operating officer. Tenet narrowed its volume decline in South Florida to 0.3%-its best performance in that market since the fourth quarter of 2004-and saw growth in California and Philadelphia, Newman said.

Adding physicians to its medical staffs is the key to volume growth in 2007 and beyond, Newman said. The company added a net of 1,086 physicians in 2007 to its medical staffs and expects to do roughly the same in 2008 and 2009. -- by Vince Galloro

I then asked my father in law, who works for THC (former surgeon recently hired as an executive) if the article was true/accurate and then told him to buy. I do not work in the stock market. I work in commercial real estate valuation. Oh, and look at a 5-year chart. I like it as a long-term play.

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Hypothetical time.

Hypothetical time.

Local Virgin Considering IPO of Vagina

Kevin Damp

NEWS IN BRIEF

Eight U.S. Soldiers Die in Insurgent Attack; Ruin Katie Holmes' Baby Shower

Top Ten

Advantages to Seeing Several Seconds Into the Future

NEWS
IN BRIEF