Lord, if we were former lovers, I suppose this run-in would be the uncomfortable polite greeting two exes would exchange as they bumped carts on accident in the Home Accessories aisle at Target on some quiet Saturday afternoon.
We're both doing well... everything's great - Oh wow, I really like your hair. Did you ever go back to school for that Masters? How's your mother doing? Yeah, I've just been so busy with work. You know how it is.
But maybe later one of us can't help but feel a little wistful. You can only sit at home and read for so many Saturdays, after all. You have that extra glass of wine and the next thing you know, you're painfully filing through a memory box of photos and ticket stubs you kept in a Nine West box under your daybed.
So Lord... I'm calling to say... let's give it another shot. Here's 10 for old time's sake:
1) Recruiting - Let's settle this once and for all. Since it falls in and out favor with specific fan bases, it goes from tres chic to passe faster than the oversaturation of empire waist cuts in formal wear (nothing to read at my girlfriend's house but "W".) So the quick question - as a college football fan, is it too much over nothing or something we should all be following?
2) Do we make too much of a deal over Fat Tire? It's great, but is it worth the (former) great lengths your average undergrad would go through to get it? Now that it's at the Whole Foods here in town, I've lost a little interest.
3) Real life situation with none of the names included (although you're omnicient, why do I bother?) - Sorority girl gets boobs done once. No news there. Hell, our fair campus is one giant bag of saline these days. But the same girl gets a SECOND job a year later, increasing the bust size from the original large A, possible B to a solid and commanding D. I'm of the opinion Job #1 might be social custom, but Job #2 is purely stripper territory. Subquestion - could you call someone to standards for this?
4) Did the Braves' rotation fall apart because I was so bored at work that I put the season schedule into my mobile Outlook program? I feel like this had some effect on the ERA.
5) Two Stick - Still a townie staple for the rare but revered combo of hippies making sushi, or just a sad shell of its former self, rolling stomach viruses into rice in the dank confines of an old bar? I'll leave my opinion out on this one.
6) You've notified us of the end of days by which of the following (select all that apply):
a) A million dollar attempt at recreating New Orleans' French Quarter in the middle of North Mississippi County with a Baptist to Catholic ratio of 35:1 and liquor laws akin to a Duty-Free Shop.
b) The defensive line monster and "Pride of Wayne County" making a higher GPA this semester than I did in six years.
c) The continued existence, and some might say... growth... of the "Save Col. Rebel" campaign.
7) Please have Enrique Davis end up as the primary back this fall. This isn't a question, I just made that call in Mississippi Sports Magazine, and I'd like to have an iota of credibility left.
8 ) Clearly you've been busy during our time apart, what with creating an energy crisis that rivals the latter parts of Revelations. Is this the answer to a long held prayer that the subdivision culture of America would crumble as transportation costs explode and cities would rise again as cultural centers? Or if you've got your hands tied because of some expert supernatural contract negotiations between Cheney and Satan, you can just say so.
9) I'm 27, living with another man and renting, thus leading me to this: The condo market in Nashville... Your thoughts?
10) Nate Banks is going to heaven, isn't he? Shouldn't a predetermined amount of botched zone coverages damn you to eternal suffering? I think that's fair.